20 Facts About Me

01. I can’t stop the microwave if the numbers don’t end in :00 or :30. If I miss my window, I let my food overcook and give it to my dog.

02. I prefer embalming to aiding autopsies, though I prefer cutting open bodies to embalming them. Don’t ask me to explain this.

03. I have three horses, but only ride one of them.

04. I’ve been vegan since I was a kid. Not because I care about animals, but because the thought of eating them disgusts me.

05. I put salt on almost everything. Cereal, fruits, salads, soy ice-cream and so on.

06. My favorite animals are serpents. My smallest snake is 7 feet long, the largest is over 20. The best part of owning them is killing their food.

07. I read 4-6 books a week, but if the book isn’t available on my eReader I probably haven’t read it since I acquired the nifty gadget.

08. Nearly everyone in my immediate family has died a self-inflicted death. I embalmed half of them.

09. I drive a Prius because part of the false identity I made for myself to appear a little more human is pretending to care about the environment.

10. I was expelled from school for the first time in the third grade. The reason? When asked to write about what I wanted to be when I grew up I said a hit-man. When presenting this, I brought my fathers colt revolver for emphasis.

11. I clean. Everything. I spend more hours a week cleaning than I do on anything but work. My apartment, place of employment and cages always smell like bleach. My dog gets bathed every other day. The piece of shit cat that’s living with me and my breeding rats get bathed twice a week.

12. I’m an atheist. I am also anti-monotheist. It makes no sense to have an absolute view of the universe. To have right and wrong judged by an all powerful, all-knowing being who cannot be questioned or reasoned with. And in whose name horrendous acts are sanctioned without appeal.

13. When I was a kid, I thought the game ‘skin the cat’ meant actually skinning cats. That is, until I brought a stray and a knife to a play date.

14. My dog comes to work with me when I work nights, and he pees on the autopsy tables.

15. I hate holidays. They are stupid and unnecessary.

16. I take at least 3 showers a day. One when I wake up. One after work. One before bed. If I go to the barn I take a shower after I get back. If I want to take a bath I shower first.

17. When I need money, and don’t feel like dating someone to get it, I play the piano professionally or pick up horses to braid at horse shows. For the latter I gross $700 a day on average.

18. My favorite one digit number is 8. My favorite number is general is 54679.

19. I used to ride horses professionally.

20. I only wrote this list because I'm too fucking tired to write anything else.