To the fuckers who are annoying me today:
Who the fuck do you think you are? The only people who have any right to ask anything from me sign my paycheck. You have no place calling me up and asking me to come look at a bump on your horses back. Do I look like a fucking vet? You have no right to get fucking bitchy if I tell you I may be moving from the area. I'm not here to babysit you. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you care or not. And shut the fuck up about you needing my help. Chances are I am not going to help you or even talk to you, so back the fuck off.
I am so sick of people trying to cling. Who try to keep me close. Get the fuck away from me. I don't need you around. I don't want you around. I don't give a flying fuck about you.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Baby Oh Baby
I am not like most morticians. I accept that. I see a baby or toddler come in and get giddy. I love working on them. I have yet to find someone else who shares these feelings.
(What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.)
I have had ample opportunity to work on babies as small at 1lb 2oz. Those are some of my favorites. There is a lot of work that goes into prepping a child that small. It's difficult to make something that was never off a respirator look peaceful and baby like. I enjoy the challenge.
(What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.)
There is something I don't understand, though. Why do parents spend over $5,000 for a service and burial on a child that was conceived less than 30 weeks before? Are they really that attached to them already? I'm not complaining, I like the business... but it's a lump of useless tissue.
(What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.)
It would seem that people are burying the idea of a child. The idea of a family. The last preme I worked on was a little girl. Her mother was distraught and evidently threatened suicide when the baby was born dead because that was the best thing she had in her life.
(What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw? Deep Throat.)
To me, losing something you haven't had very long isn't ideal, but it isn't worth killing yourself over (literally, financially or figuratively). It seems like the $5,000+ would be better spent on therapy or adoption.
(What can't turn around in a hallway? A baby with a javelin through his throat.)
(What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.)
I have had ample opportunity to work on babies as small at 1lb 2oz. Those are some of my favorites. There is a lot of work that goes into prepping a child that small. It's difficult to make something that was never off a respirator look peaceful and baby like. I enjoy the challenge.
(What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.)
There is something I don't understand, though. Why do parents spend over $5,000 for a service and burial on a child that was conceived less than 30 weeks before? Are they really that attached to them already? I'm not complaining, I like the business... but it's a lump of useless tissue.
(What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.)
It would seem that people are burying the idea of a child. The idea of a family. The last preme I worked on was a little girl. Her mother was distraught and evidently threatened suicide when the baby was born dead because that was the best thing she had in her life.
(What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw? Deep Throat.)
To me, losing something you haven't had very long isn't ideal, but it isn't worth killing yourself over (literally, financially or figuratively). It seems like the $5,000+ would be better spent on therapy or adoption.
(What can't turn around in a hallway? A baby with a javelin through his throat.)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Casket Sales Pitch
Me: Is this the casket you were looking at?
Them: *fondling picture of high end, high gauge stainless steel casket* Yes. I don't care about cost. *starts crying*.
Me: You've made a fine choice. This particular model comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Them: *looks at me* Really? *busts out laughing*
Them: *fondling picture of high end, high gauge stainless steel casket* Yes. I don't care about cost. *starts crying*.
Me: You've made a fine choice. This particular model comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Them: *looks at me* Really? *busts out laughing*
Monday, June 21, 2010
Nasty Ass Skank
Dear Nasty-ass Skank at the overpriced coffee shop. You know who you are. Let me start by saying that you think you look good, but you don't. Cover Girl won't help you because you have nothing to work with. You are NOT average size, you are fat. You would do yourself a favor by looking in a mirror for a reality check. Wearing spandex mini-shorts that say 'Juicy' across your double wide ass isn't attractive. Neither is that spagetti strap shirt that's 2 sizes too small. Nobody want to see your armpit fat or back rolls hanging out.
And while we're on the subject of what people don't want to see... When I am waiting in line to get my triple espresso soy latte in the morning, I don't want to watch you scratch your ass and spread your legs like a dirty skank whore. If I can see your pubes, there is a problem. And please keep your rude kid under control. You may think his behaviour is 'cute' and laugh when he walks up and sticks his hand under my skirt and grabs my thigh, but it's not. That is a fast way to get smacked, as your little bastard child found out.
How can you be so stupid as to think that the overpriced coffee shop was going to take food stamps? The cute underpaid guy behind the counter may not look annoyed when you ask him to be patient as you count out your total in coins, but that doesn't mean you have a shot with him. Nasty ass skanks with ridiculously untamed children don't get dates with hot guys. Accept it. Don't make me listen to you whine about not being able to get a date while I'm drinking my overpriced coffee. Just go away.
And while we're on the subject of what people don't want to see... When I am waiting in line to get my triple espresso soy latte in the morning, I don't want to watch you scratch your ass and spread your legs like a dirty skank whore. If I can see your pubes, there is a problem. And please keep your rude kid under control. You may think his behaviour is 'cute' and laugh when he walks up and sticks his hand under my skirt and grabs my thigh, but it's not. That is a fast way to get smacked, as your little bastard child found out.
How can you be so stupid as to think that the overpriced coffee shop was going to take food stamps? The cute underpaid guy behind the counter may not look annoyed when you ask him to be patient as you count out your total in coins, but that doesn't mean you have a shot with him. Nasty ass skanks with ridiculously untamed children don't get dates with hot guys. Accept it. Don't make me listen to you whine about not being able to get a date while I'm drinking my overpriced coffee. Just go away.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Moral: Wear A Seat Belt
Just wanted to start with what the moral of my post is, in case anyone misses it.
Today I went to a funeral home I don't work for as a favor for the owner, who considers me a friend. Being that I worked with him for nearly a decade, I didn't refuse. Besides, he said the case would interest me. Of course, the first thing I think of is babies... I really enjoy working on babies. But holy shit. It was even more interesting.
A thirty something male with several mandibular and maxillary fractures was waiting for me. Basically everything from the middle of his eye sockets to his chin was caved in from massive facial trauma. To add to that, he was an organ and tissue donor and the tissue recover-er left a hell of a mess. Two long bones missing and a concave area where his organs should be. But before he left yesterday morning, his wife didn't say goodbye to him, and wants that chance. Who am I to deny her?
After a short trip to Lowe's to pick up a few necessities (like aluminum repair patches, screws, metal tie plates, etc.) I started playing orthopedic surgeon. I used a few methods I have never tried before, and was thrilled with the results. It took nearly seven hours, but he looks human. He looks like him.
So I leave you with these thoughts.
01. Wear a seat belt.
02. I am an awesome re-constructionist.
03. Be an organ and tissue donor.
04. Lowe's is the shit.
05. Wear a seat belt.
Today I went to a funeral home I don't work for as a favor for the owner, who considers me a friend. Being that I worked with him for nearly a decade, I didn't refuse. Besides, he said the case would interest me. Of course, the first thing I think of is babies... I really enjoy working on babies. But holy shit. It was even more interesting.
A thirty something male with several mandibular and maxillary fractures was waiting for me. Basically everything from the middle of his eye sockets to his chin was caved in from massive facial trauma. To add to that, he was an organ and tissue donor and the tissue recover-er left a hell of a mess. Two long bones missing and a concave area where his organs should be. But before he left yesterday morning, his wife didn't say goodbye to him, and wants that chance. Who am I to deny her?
After a short trip to Lowe's to pick up a few necessities (like aluminum repair patches, screws, metal tie plates, etc.) I started playing orthopedic surgeon. I used a few methods I have never tried before, and was thrilled with the results. It took nearly seven hours, but he looks human. He looks like him.
So I leave you with these thoughts.
01. Wear a seat belt.
02. I am an awesome re-constructionist.
03. Be an organ and tissue donor.
04. Lowe's is the shit.
05. Wear a seat belt.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Obesity After Death
I've had several people ask me what my problem is with fatties... so allow me to explain. As you all probably know, I am a mortician. I spend most of my working hours prepping the dead for burial, many of these overweight to obese. I am a whopping 110 pounds. Moving corpses up to and over 450lbs isn't something that appeals to me. I am lucky where I work now. Our coolers (where bodies are stored) can only hold people up to 450lbs or so. Anyone heavier than that is sent across town. I have spent many days dealing with 800lb+ bodies, and I will never willingly do it again.
Some fun facts:
01. People who are obese decay at a much more rapid pace than those who are thin. I can't tell you how many fatties come in already in the process of decomp a few short hours after death.
02. A standard casket size used to be 29" wide. Now the standard is 35"... with the ability to go as wide as 52".
03. Those in a 52" casket will not be carried by anything but a forklift to their grave, and cemeteries will require you to buy two plots. (Too bad airplanes don't follow this rule.)
04. No matter how proper funeral home employees are, those embalming will still discuss how disgusting an obese body is as they're trying to cover up the fact that their skin is already sloughing off from decomp.
05. The heavier the body, the more expensive the funeral. With extra burial plots needed and larger caskets, it can run over $5,000 more than their thin counterpart.
So, why do I hate fatties? They are disgusting when they are alive, and even more so in death. Get some fucking dignity and put down the fork. Get your stomach stapled. Fall into a wood chipper so you don't cause injury in those who have to deal with you after death.
Some fun facts:
01. People who are obese decay at a much more rapid pace than those who are thin. I can't tell you how many fatties come in already in the process of decomp a few short hours after death.
02. A standard casket size used to be 29" wide. Now the standard is 35"... with the ability to go as wide as 52".
03. Those in a 52" casket will not be carried by anything but a forklift to their grave, and cemeteries will require you to buy two plots. (Too bad airplanes don't follow this rule.)
04. No matter how proper funeral home employees are, those embalming will still discuss how disgusting an obese body is as they're trying to cover up the fact that their skin is already sloughing off from decomp.
05. The heavier the body, the more expensive the funeral. With extra burial plots needed and larger caskets, it can run over $5,000 more than their thin counterpart.
So, why do I hate fatties? They are disgusting when they are alive, and even more so in death. Get some fucking dignity and put down the fork. Get your stomach stapled. Fall into a wood chipper so you don't cause injury in those who have to deal with you after death.
Friday, June 4, 2010
If I Was A Dictator
EDUCATION: Stop this 'no child left behind' bullshit. If your kid doesn't make the cut for graduation, s/he's not going to. If the child is more than two years behind because of a reason not related to a mental disability, they will go to a military style school until they straighten up enough to learn in a proper classroom. All schools will be on a year round schedule and all will be uniformed. Parents will be held accountable for their childs attendance and actions. And while I'm talking about kids, there will be an end to all foreign adoptions and the the adoption system here will be revamped to people can get the kids they want in a timely and cost effective manner. There will also be a two child rule. While delivering your second child, the OB will remove your uterus. If you want more than two kids, adopt.
IMMIGRATION: Stop wasting money patrolling the borders. Instead sell hunting passes to any backwoods country redneck that applies and can see. Hand them a machine gun and have at it. If the illegals trying to pass over thought their birth country was unsafe, wait until they see the hunting parties heading out. But if you want to come over legally, then go through proper channels and you will be welcomed. (link)
AGRICULTURE: Slaughter houses, commercial egg and dairy farms and feed lots will be shut down. Local butchers and small ranchers will have a monopoly on any animal products. Anyone caught neglecting or starving an animal will get the same legal ramifications as someone who neglects a child. There will be an incentive for farmers to grow lucrative crops and build greenhouses.
FOREIGN AFFAIRS: Pull out any and all support to other countries. If anyone attacks us, drop bombs on their country until they surrender or there is no country left. I personally don't care which. I am not saying there will be no army, just that we have no need to be funneling money into other countries when our own is already in debt.
FINANCE: Taxes will not go up once all the foreign aid ends, because this is what I am channeling into health care. To reduce the already strained finances, anyone on welfare is off of it. If they can't afford their 10 kids then they will be rehomed. As for those on disability, someone will be coming to see how disabled you really are. And no, obesity and obesity related illnesses aren't considered a disability anymore. To offset road costs, that tax will be added to petrol. I predict it will go up at least 200 percent. Commercial truckers are tax exempt to keep prices down on food and goods. Marijuana and prostitution will be legalized and taxed. Anything high in sugar would have a higher tax.
HEALTH CARE: Every citizen and those with a valid visa starts with health care. Anyone who abuses this (hypochondriacs, drug addicts, the homeless drunk who get a ride in an ambulance to the er every night, illegals) will lose their health care benefits and be turned down at the hospital. Anyone who wants a permanent form of birth control will not be turned down, regardless of age. Mental heath facilities will be highly accessible.
LEGAL SYSTEM: This needs to be totally revamped. Any male sex offenders will have their dangley bits cut off. Female sex offenders will be fully spayed. If either repeat, they will be publicly beheaded (as will murderers, those who neglect their child/animal and anyone who violates the two child law). Thieves will have their hands cut off (and become ineligible for disability). Most prisons will become work camps. It will be legal in any state to shoot trespassers as long as you own the property (this includes protecting your house from peddlers of things and religion).
IMMIGRATION: Stop wasting money patrolling the borders. Instead sell hunting passes to any backwoods country redneck that applies and can see. Hand them a machine gun and have at it. If the illegals trying to pass over thought their birth country was unsafe, wait until they see the hunting parties heading out. But if you want to come over legally, then go through proper channels and you will be welcomed. (link)
AGRICULTURE: Slaughter houses, commercial egg and dairy farms and feed lots will be shut down. Local butchers and small ranchers will have a monopoly on any animal products. Anyone caught neglecting or starving an animal will get the same legal ramifications as someone who neglects a child. There will be an incentive for farmers to grow lucrative crops and build greenhouses.
FOREIGN AFFAIRS: Pull out any and all support to other countries. If anyone attacks us, drop bombs on their country until they surrender or there is no country left. I personally don't care which. I am not saying there will be no army, just that we have no need to be funneling money into other countries when our own is already in debt.
FINANCE: Taxes will not go up once all the foreign aid ends, because this is what I am channeling into health care. To reduce the already strained finances, anyone on welfare is off of it. If they can't afford their 10 kids then they will be rehomed. As for those on disability, someone will be coming to see how disabled you really are. And no, obesity and obesity related illnesses aren't considered a disability anymore. To offset road costs, that tax will be added to petrol. I predict it will go up at least 200 percent. Commercial truckers are tax exempt to keep prices down on food and goods. Marijuana and prostitution will be legalized and taxed. Anything high in sugar would have a higher tax.
HEALTH CARE: Every citizen and those with a valid visa starts with health care. Anyone who abuses this (hypochondriacs, drug addicts, the homeless drunk who get a ride in an ambulance to the er every night, illegals) will lose their health care benefits and be turned down at the hospital. Anyone who wants a permanent form of birth control will not be turned down, regardless of age. Mental heath facilities will be highly accessible.
LEGAL SYSTEM: This needs to be totally revamped. Any male sex offenders will have their dangley bits cut off. Female sex offenders will be fully spayed. If either repeat, they will be publicly beheaded (as will murderers, those who neglect their child/animal and anyone who violates the two child law). Thieves will have their hands cut off (and become ineligible for disability). Most prisons will become work camps. It will be legal in any state to shoot trespassers as long as you own the property (this includes protecting your house from peddlers of things and religion).
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Images Of Fire Dance Through My Head
Scenario One:
Kids of about grade 6 on a bus. Trapped. The doors and emergency exits have been tampered with so they won't open. A fire bomb goes off. Any survivors of the initial blast are burned alive.
Scenario Two:
Baptists in their church. Broom handles through the handles of all exit doors. Church, pretreated in an accelerant, goes up in flames from a single match. Burning the followers in the hell they fear.
Scenario Three:
Weasel Face Twerp driving down the road in his Bronco. He hits the brakes only to find out they are cut. Smashes head first into burning church. Gas tank explodes (with help).
Scenario Four:
Burn pile in the middle of a secluded field. Bodies dragged from previous scenario and thrown onto the branches and other shit collected. Set on fire after dousing with petrol.
Scenario Five:
Oil spill on the ocean. Lit zippo thrown over a tanker sets the mess on fire. Everyone on the tanker burns.
Scenario Six:
Cat scratching on the furniture. Cat covered in kerosene. Cat is now a controlled burn.
Scenario Seven:
Baby in the uterus pulled out with a hanger. He's thrown into a large ceramic bowl and put in the oven. He catches on fire.
Scenario Eight:
Door to door evangelical finds himself tied to a post. Fire is started under him and babies until he is fully burned alive.
Scenario Nine:
Full plane taking off at the airport. After months of planning and bribery, the engines explode. Everyone on board dies a fiery death.
Kids of about grade 6 on a bus. Trapped. The doors and emergency exits have been tampered with so they won't open. A fire bomb goes off. Any survivors of the initial blast are burned alive.
Scenario Two:
Baptists in their church. Broom handles through the handles of all exit doors. Church, pretreated in an accelerant, goes up in flames from a single match. Burning the followers in the hell they fear.
Scenario Three:
Weasel Face Twerp driving down the road in his Bronco. He hits the brakes only to find out they are cut. Smashes head first into burning church. Gas tank explodes (with help).
Scenario Four:
Burn pile in the middle of a secluded field. Bodies dragged from previous scenario and thrown onto the branches and other shit collected. Set on fire after dousing with petrol.
Scenario Five:
Oil spill on the ocean. Lit zippo thrown over a tanker sets the mess on fire. Everyone on the tanker burns.
Scenario Six:
Cat scratching on the furniture. Cat covered in kerosene. Cat is now a controlled burn.
Scenario Seven:
Baby in the uterus pulled out with a hanger. He's thrown into a large ceramic bowl and put in the oven. He catches on fire.
Scenario Eight:
Door to door evangelical finds himself tied to a post. Fire is started under him and babies until he is fully burned alive.
Scenario Nine:
Full plane taking off at the airport. After months of planning and bribery, the engines explode. Everyone on board dies a fiery death.
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