Dear Guy Who Raped The Chick In My Parking Lot

I would like to congratulate you on your conquest. I know a big 6' guy like you must have had a hell of a time taking down a 5'5" 18 year old college cheerleader. And restraining such a small girl must have been a bitch. I bet that hundred pounds you had on her didn't help with her trying to kick you in the nads. I'd like you to plan your next attack on one of the campuses private residents. In fact, I encourage you to chose me. Don't worry about the concealed weapon I keep my hand on when I'm out at night. Although I do have to apologize ahead of time, I hear a gut shot with a 45 hurts like hell.
Sincerely,
Come Out And Play

Kindergarden Arson

I come from a family rich in diagnosed personality disorders, namely narcissism and antisocial psychopathy. My uncle is serving a life sentence in Ely, Nevada for killing his wife and two daughters, age 6 and 9. His brother, my father, had an arrest record as thick as a romance novel, and nearly as juicy. And me, well, let's just say I take after his side of the family. Between the three of us, we have been charged with murder, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, statutory rape, breaking and entering, larceny and arson. It looks like there is going to be another member added to our elite club.

My sister called me today to talk about her nearly five year old son, Bobby. Evidently, Bobby decided that he wanted to set the house on fire because she scolded him for hitting his twin sister. While she had Janie downstairs, Bobby grabbed a lighter and set the living room couch on fire. Sister thinks that I can help her curb his behavior. My only advice was to give away her dog before Bobby moves on to other methods of venting his frustration.

Iris Scanners and Big Brother

Has anyone been reading about the raise in popularity in iris scanner technology (link)? A city in Mexico is making a point to, in essence, make the safest city in the world. To do this they're going to place eye scanners all over the place. They say it's for law enforcement and marketing uses, but it seems that this is a huge invasion of privacy. For example, once someone gets convicted such as shoplifting, every time they walk into a store the iris scanner will alert the manager that they are there.

The company who is trying to make all cities like this claims that there will be no reason to carry around a drivers license or credit card, all you need is your eye. They want to ID you for everything from getting into your car, to picking up prescriptions, to accessing medical records. Their plan is that within the next 10 years every person on the planet will be in the database. Criminals will automatically be in the system, and law-abiding citizens and really smart criminals who haven't been caught will have the option, but because they expect the masses to come out and want to be in the database, opting out isn't an option.

I think this is utter bullshit and am considering gouging out my eyes before it comes to this.

Cue Banjo Music

Today, I went to the river. I was bribed. I admit it. A medical examiner friend of mine promised to get me in on an autopsy I wanted to work on (body burnt to a crisp) if I did him a favor. How bad can that be? It turns out it was really bad. As some of you may remember, I have a, shall we say, aversion to water unless it's chlorinated and comes out of my tap.

He had the bright idea that he wanted to go kayaking, and of course, wanted me to go with him. Did he tell me where we were going? No. If he had there would have been no way he could have gotten me in the car. Instead, he said we were going to go see one of his friends. That was true. His friends live on the Kentucky River and run canoe and kayaking trips for the uninspired and suicidal. When we arrived at the building I freaked. As I said, I am not a water fan. Especially when the water is moving and filled with microbes and there is a strong chance that you will drown.

Seeing as how I absolutely do not want to miss the chance to cut into a barbecued human, I begrudgingly agreed to get into a fiberglass death trap and float on sludge. It was a hundred times worse than I could have guessed. Less than two miles out of a fifteen mile trip the damn rapids pushed me toward the Tree of Eradication. The swirling current of doom sucked me and the kayak under to die. But I had company under there. A couple of birds and a turtle, all decomposing and bloated. The kayak flipped and filled with water. Did I mention I can't swim? I can still taste the death water and see protozoa swimming across my eyeballs.

At this point I was seriously considering banking the boat and just jogging back to the car. A crispy body would be nice to play with, but I wouldn't be able to see it if I drowned. Alas, my desire to be around death overshadowed my self-preservation and I continued down stream. We came to a quiet place in the river and crossed under a covered bridge. There was a few people fishing off it, and no shit, someone was playing a banjo. I made a mental note to download Deliverance to my kindle if I made it home alive.

Obviously I made it, unless you believe I am writing this as a ghost. I made a point of hitting my now ex-friend, but I am still on the duty roster for the autopsy tomorrow. Was it worth it? I don't yet know...

Bring Out Your Dead

An elderly (okay, older than dirt) gentleman passed away this evening. His family, being jewish, are paying premium to do a rush job so he can be buried tomorrow morning... and they want a hell of a funeral before that happens. See, catholics leave their dead laying around, jews want them planted immediately. Hell, it seems like they can't even flatline before arrangements are being made.

I don't understand the philosophy difference. I admit to not paying attention in my cultural studies classes. I was in school for the sole purpose of learning to cut bodies up and create deranged art out of them. It didn't matter to me why people wanted autopsies or funerals. I didn't care what religions needed what kind of service. I never wanted to work with the living. Alas, being licensed as a funeral director occasionally puts you in the same room at people who want to breathe your air, and I just don't enjoy the morgue as much as the mortuary.

Before embalming was a common practice, there was a reason to rush a funeral. Bodies have a way of becoming unsightly, unhygienic, and rather potent in a short period of time. But the ritual seems antiquated. I guess it doesn't matter to me as long as I have a body to work on.

Car Crash With Illegal-Scum

I've bitched about illegals in the country before, but today I am back on that tangent. One of my main complaints has always been the lack of a drivers license and car insurance. That is what really irks me right now. There is nothing quite like driving through an intersection and getting t-boned by a piece of shit truck running a red light. Let me tell you, not the best feeling in the world. Especially when the truck has a lift kit and is practically on top of the Prius.

Of course the kid (here on called illegal-scum) didn't speak english, didn't have identification and didn't have insurance. I have a feeling he would have tried to drive off if a cop wouldn't have pulled up soon after the crash. I actually would have preferred the cops to not get involved. I have to pay for the repairs anyway, at least then I wouldn't have been scrambling to conceal the firearms I keep in my trunk, dash and driver door in my purse before the tow truck got there. (On the side of the truck it said "We don't want an arm or a leg, just your tows". I found that amusing.)

Illegal-scum didn't get arrested as I had hoped, and I was told what I already knew... that I was probably going to have to have my insurance cover the repairs. Even if I took illegal-scum to court to get the money he would either not show up or be unable to pay. The cop actually laughed while saying this.

So, this has been a greatly fun day.

AARSBalm vs. Formalin

I am set in my ways, especially when it comes to my working environment. I want my tools where I put them, my area clean, and everything to smell of bleach, formaldehyde, and decomposition. That's what I trained for. That's what I signed up for.

There is a newer product called AARDBalm (and AARDCavity Gel and AARDColourant and their own fucking trocar) that is aiming to replace Formalin based products. AARD is claiming that because this product is safer than formaldehyde, that is is superior.
Sorry, come again? It's iodine based so it doesn't firm up the body (nothing like leaving a body juicy), it doesn't last very long and it's a fuckload more difficult to get it to spread correctly. The owner of the Home I work for is raving about it after a tape he watched and thinks that we should switch from Formalin based products to these new 'safer' iodine based products.

What the fuck does he know? He's never embalmed a body in his life. He says that it's for his employees own good. Formalin is very well known for causing nasopharyngeal carcinoma within the death care industry, but that's a risk we obviously willingly take. If we wanted safe jobs we'd have skipped learning to work with chemicals.

(Quote from AARD's Website: "Although the treatment of a case with AARDBalm may take a little longer to complete, it does provide a completely different appearance to a case treated with conventional fluids. The aesthetic results are very pleasing and have been well received by funeral client families and staff, with comments including that the deceased ‘feel more natural’. The facial features look relaxed-not stressed. Initially you may not like the effect produced, particularly if dye has not been administered to the tank. Indeed this may be true if you are a devotee of the firm and intensively coloured product we are all used to seeing. On the positive side you might feel just that little bit better after a hard day, with less headaches, nasal rhini- tis and depression. Your clothing and hair will smell that bit better too.")

I will stick with Formalin.