Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Obesity After Death

I've had several people ask me what my problem is with fatties... so allow me to explain. As you all probably know, I am a mortician. I spend most of my working hours prepping the dead for burial, many of these overweight to obese. I am a whopping 110 pounds. Moving corpses up to and over 450lbs isn't something that appeals to me. I am lucky where I work now. Our coolers (where bodies are stored) can only hold people up to 450lbs or so. Anyone heavier than that is sent across town. I have spent many days dealing with 800lb+ bodies, and I will never willingly do it again.

Some fun facts:

01. People who are obese decay at a much more rapid pace than those who are thin. I can't tell you how many fatties come in already in the process of decomp a few short hours after death.

02. A standard casket size used to be 29" wide. Now the standard is 35"... with the ability to go as wide as 52".

03. Those in a 52" casket will not be carried by anything but a forklift to their grave, and cemeteries will require you to buy two plots. (Too bad airplanes don't follow this rule.)

04. No matter how proper funeral home employees are, those embalming will still discuss how disgusting an obese body is as they're trying to cover up the fact that their skin is already sloughing off from decomp.

05. The heavier the body, the more expensive the funeral. With extra burial plots needed and larger caskets, it can run over $5,000 more than their thin counterpart.

So, why do I hate fatties? They are disgusting when they are alive, and even more so in death. Get some fucking dignity and put down the fork. Get your stomach stapled. Fall into a wood chipper so you don't cause injury in those who have to deal with you after death.

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