Cue Banjo Music

Today, I went to the river. I was bribed. I admit it. A medical examiner friend of mine promised to get me in on an autopsy I wanted to work on (body burnt to a crisp) if I did him a favor. How bad can that be? It turns out it was really bad. As some of you may remember, I have a, shall we say, aversion to water unless it's chlorinated and comes out of my tap.

He had the bright idea that he wanted to go kayaking, and of course, wanted me to go with him. Did he tell me where we were going? No. If he had there would have been no way he could have gotten me in the car. Instead, he said we were going to go see one of his friends. That was true. His friends live on the Kentucky River and run canoe and kayaking trips for the uninspired and suicidal. When we arrived at the building I freaked. As I said, I am not a water fan. Especially when the water is moving and filled with microbes and there is a strong chance that you will drown.

Seeing as how I absolutely do not want to miss the chance to cut into a barbecued human, I begrudgingly agreed to get into a fiberglass death trap and float on sludge. It was a hundred times worse than I could have guessed. Less than two miles out of a fifteen mile trip the damn rapids pushed me toward the Tree of Eradication. The swirling current of doom sucked me and the kayak under to die. But I had company under there. A couple of birds and a turtle, all decomposing and bloated. The kayak flipped and filled with water. Did I mention I can't swim? I can still taste the death water and see protozoa swimming across my eyeballs.

At this point I was seriously considering banking the boat and just jogging back to the car. A crispy body would be nice to play with, but I wouldn't be able to see it if I drowned. Alas, my desire to be around death overshadowed my self-preservation and I continued down stream. We came to a quiet place in the river and crossed under a covered bridge. There was a few people fishing off it, and no shit, someone was playing a banjo. I made a mental note to download Deliverance to my kindle if I made it home alive.

Obviously I made it, unless you believe I am writing this as a ghost. I made a point of hitting my now ex-friend, but I am still on the duty roster for the autopsy tomorrow. Was it worth it? I don't yet know...