Stalemate

I'm back at the same impasse I was at a year ago. Do I go back to the morgue, or to the mortuary.

I wouldn't feel complete without the ability to create my deranged art - taking the newly dead and turning them into something beautiful. When a facial trauma come in and is slated as needing an open casket my heart races with anticipation of the fun I will have. But I am burned out from dealing with the never-ending bullshit and falseness of it all. It's all a show. I turn the dead into something the living want to see so they can sniffle and gasp and make ridiculous faces. I don't understand grief, yet am immersed in it.

The morgue is a more sterile environment. As a tech I don't deal with anyone but the delivery guys and colleagues. I can hold a once living heart in my hand and gut a human being without being judged or found guilty of murder. Part of me finds it relieving to be that close to the ugly side of death. Comforting. I prefer cutting open and gutting bodies to embalming them... but I prefer reconstruction work to aiding in autopsies.

My monster and me... as usual fighting over which path to choose. My neurotic compulsions with cleanliness and order or its compulsion with destruction and blood lust. I fear we are at a stalemate.