The Afterlife

Want to hear what I think happens to you after you die? It's not cynical...

Let's say for whatever reason, heart attach, horse crash, appendix malfunction... you die. Poof. You start to feel like you're floating, but there's no water or mushrooms around. You're in a long tunnel without a trace of graffiti anywhere. At the end of the tunnel is a bright light, like what you see when you're struck by lightening. And you hear a voice saying, 'Come closer, all will be well.' You float toward it and when you get to the end of a tunnel you see a termite.

(Yes, a termite. Have you ever tried to get rid of those things? There has to be some kind of divine intervention at work.) So the termite asks you if you're ready to enter the afterlife. And you say, 'Mind if I float a little longer? This is really neat'. But the termite says that time is short, and says you must enter the afterlife, but first you must perform an act of penance. (Not stomping on the termite is a big one, besides, you don't want to stomp on him in your bear feet.) Anyway, the termite says that to show your penance, you must rub your belly and pat your head at the same time.

You see, it's harder than it seems because you're ethereal, your hands go right through you. So, to get to the afterlife you have to prove you're worthy by going through with the bizarre sensation of putting your hand through your head. (You can practice with a partner now if you wish...)

So, you may be asking, what does the termite do next? Well, I've changed my mind... it's a cockroach. (Amazing how my beliefs about the afterlife can morph so quickly, eh?) Once the cockroach gives you admittance, you pass through a gateway, where your life is reviewed. If you had a good life, you are returned as a baby, ready to begin anew. If your life was miserable enough that the Committee decides you need a break, you move onto the next world.

You may be asking yourself, riveted by my vision of the afterlife, is in the next world? You won't be disappointed, I promise you that. Munchkin land!